UPEI's most compelling Convive returns with another mealtime missive
By Craig St. Jean
Hey guys, it's 2009 blah blah blah, the state of the food world is basically the same etc etc, but before I reclaim my throne as the Semantic's meal-ticket and get back to telling you what to eat, I have a bone to pick, because I just can't let this go: Those of you who read the first edition of the Panther Post-- which was hopefully very few of you (I mean, seriously....god)-- may have noticed the work of an impostor in it's pages. In a most flagrant and foul violation of my intellectual property rights, reporter Paige Mattieu attempted a food review. Like, WTF??? Is the Panther Post (ugh, I can barely bring myself to type that awful, awful new name) so bereft of ideas that it must resort to aping my bread and butter, as it were? I will not be so obtuse and arrogant as to stake claim to the invention of the food review, but Semantic faithful tend to know what's up, and undoubtedly realize that two cannot eat from this plate.
If imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, then I thank the PP for their adulation, but loyal Semanticists know that adding water only dilutes the flavor. Props to Paige for a well-written article, but did UPEI readers really prefer her Pablum to my Original Recipe™? I think they could taste the difference. In a nutshell, the PP wants its finger in the pie, but they ain't worth their salt. They bit off more than they can chew. I'M the one who brings home the bacon. If you missed that article and can't believe this is not bullshit, you might find the offending issue by digging to the bottom of a trash can on campus-- you know, the place where that paper belongs. I hereby challenge Paige to fight me. Or at least take me on in an eating contest.
Protecting my rep is always a bit of a bother, but ultimately, I've got bigger fish to fry. So let's get to the reason why you picked up this paper in the first place: To find out WHAT CRAIG ST. JEAN IS EATING. Well, the answer is, a lot. In fact, my recent meals have been so tryptophantastic that my blood-turned-gravy and brain-turned-stuffing are seriously curbing my ability to develop an extended narrative here. So, for the ease of my mind and your consumption, here is a list of some of some of my favorite fodder as of late.
Suggestions for delicious ingestion:
Leonhards Cafe and Bakery: Get some soup. For serious. THEY HAVE POTATO AND BACON SOUP! I know, you're probably shitting yourself just thinking about it. But, shockingly, they can do ya one better. I sauntered in there one crisp December afternoon, intent on making a gastronomic gamble. When informed that Pea was the soup du jour, I daringly demanded that bacon be added to my bowl, and I'm sure glad I did, because that brown-speckled orange mush was the most glorious soup ever served, in my very important opinion. Try it for yourself sometime, but be warned that it will only resemble the beauty of my bowl-- it will never be matched.
Burger King's Angry Whopper: BK gets shit on/written off unfairly far too often. It happens every day. It's happening right now, because so there are so many uncultured idiots that are racist against BK. Fight the power by ordering an Angry Whopper. If you thought that the Spicy Baconator was better than the Plain Baconator (it was) and miss the option since Wendy's so rudely removed it from their repertoire, you'll probably agree that the Angry Whopper convincingly outperforms the Plain Whopper in the taste-stakes. Onion rings and jalapeño peppers on a burger? How can you lose?!
Brit's: This place ranks among the elite as some of Charlottetown's most vehement purveyors of GREEZE. They're worthy of a full-on focus article, but I'll just mention a few key points here: The folks at Brit's use their deepfryer like magicians use their wands. It's kind of like how Jesus turned water into wine, except it's for real and there's more deepfrying. THEY HAVE DEEPFRIED PIZZA!!! I've ordered it a couple times. Crispy on the outside, soft and gooey on the inside, and it's CHEAP. Dig it. Also, Brit's angus burger closer approaches the supernal brilliance of Black and White's half-pounder (see: my first article, some months ago) than any other burger I've eaten.
Lot 30: Stunning, I know, but I actually hauled myself out of my grease puddle to check this place out. Yes, I almost slipped on my way through the door. Normally I wouldn't hit up a high class joint like this, but as Charlottetown's newest and greatest culinary celebrity, I wanted to see if they could impress me. While perusing the menu, I was struck by a disturbing lack of GREEZE, but resolved to give it a shot anyway. I apprehensively ordered the the white wine-braised Pork Belly with Yukon Gold Potatoes and crab apple syrup. My server assured me that it was their fattiest cut of meat, and that the potatoes would kind of be like putting fries in a blender. Lo and behold, it turned out to be the second best meal I ate that day (just short of the donair I had for lunch). I heartily recommend it. Oddly, though, I was charged full price for my dinner. I figured someone would recognize me and dispose of the bill accordingly. Oh well, I'm including my picture below so they won't make the same mistake again:
(pic)
Next time: Something extraordinarily greasy!
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11 comments:
Looks like some readers for the Panther Post don't care for your blatant attitude of arrogance Mr. St. Jean! It's too bad really that you make yourself look like a pig in more ways than one. I do hope that you listen to some of Paige's healthier suggestions because it may make you live a little longer. I will no longer be reading from your grease-fest of a food review, I don't wish a heart attack on myself.
I can only hope that the poorly structured letters to the editor(ahem-maybe learn to spell-or find another word besides "serious" to use) that the prim Paige has urged her friends to write are part of a giant joke being played by both papers in order to encourage readership.
Otherwise someone is super lame and it isn't the often wordy but always funny Mr. St Jean.
Also if Paige encourages healthy eating why is she so big? riddle me that Galimac.
"Also if Paige encourages healthy eating why is she so big? riddle me that Galimac."
- Ok, now that's the type of personal attack that I was accused of making, but didn't actually make. No need for it.
- It's neat that you think the whole thing was planned, but I can assure you that those who wrote letters actually meant what they said.
- That aside, thank you the support, Sloane.
- I will continue to make myself look like a pig in as many ways as possible. There's a lot of self-awareness behind the ignorance in my writing. I'm amused by those who don't get it.
- Craig
CSJ:
You write your columns as a sort of character: self-inflated, self-aware, obnoxious, sexist, whatever... fine. Well done. Very original. Now, unlike your column, what I do find amusing is that that you are, in reality, so self-absorbed that you actually believe people who don't appreciate your columns "don't get it." Ever think that instead of your readers lacking an understanding of the man, an ignorance of the art, it's that they just don't find your work tasteful, funny, original, smart... etc.?
So, in your blog comment (commenting in the comment section of your own blogged article... now that's what I call self-aware) you've failed in the worst way possible: you came out of character. The jig is up, so to speak. You actually are just a self-absorbed jerk.
Go get 'em, killer!
-Joey
Hi Joey, etc.
I'll be brutally honest and disagree with, in essence, everything you just said. Also, I question whether or not you know what 'self-aware' means. All the letters, responses, etc. that I've received have been painfully poorly reasoned.
I pointed Craig to the comments on the blog. Was unsure whether or not to delete them, since neither myself nor Craig support the pointed Paige attacks.
Kate McKenna,
Editor-in-Chief
Joey College:
First of all, the character starts and ends in the articles themselves-- my letter to the Panther Post was a bit of an exception, but I ultimately chose to incorporate it into an article before I found out that Lucas decided to run it-- there's no reason to extend it beyond that, and it's sort of dumb that you expect that. If I meet you in person I'm not going to say the same sorts of things I do in my articles. Ask Paige about that.
Second, you are correct in supposing that certain readers simply may not find my writing to be "tasteful, funny, original, or smart," but the people who have publicly criticized my articles definitely just didn't get it. Their words clearly demonstrated that. My responses have been directed at them, and those who share their sentiments.
Your petulant faultfinding is wearisome. I'm typically writing to entertain some and put off others, but you'd be so much more interesting if you weren't simply one of the two.
Chief of Editing!
Alright… the only thing worse than “painfully poor reasoning” is no reasoning at all… maybe you edited that out. If you can point out the pain in my reasoning, I’d be more than happy to enlighten you.
You know, for a publication that’s apparently trying to downplay the whole rivalry thing between yourselves and the Panther Post, you’re doing a pretty good job of inflaming it by publishing articles like this one. Although it is somewhat entertaining, I’d let it die. Not only are you embarrassing yourselves, more importantly you’re damaging The Semantic’s integrity by saying one thing and doing another.
I’d also suggest that you and your writers stay out of the blogosphere. I know you’re working on damage controlling this whole little debacle, but commenting on your own articles comes across as unprofessional, self-absorbed and a little tacky. Save it for the press! (Or Epson printer… whatever.)
Cheers!
-Joey
CSJ:
I was never suggesting (or expecting) that your character extend beyond your public persona… I just think that by coming out of character in a public domain you severely damaged the little integrity you had as a writer. I may not have liked your writing, but at least you were consistent. You just sort of cut the balls off everything you, or whatever, your character, stood for. It would have been far more entertaining to see the CSJ shoot back.
Anyway, it’s just an opinion... I’m amazed at the hypersensitivity in The Semantic camp, especially considering the smug, infallible attitude the publication tends to exude. If you are going to write polarizing articles I would think it only natural to expect response.
-Joey
I have to admit that I'm terribly taken aback by your comments, Mister College. You have begun by criticizing the personality of a writer who, by your own admission, writes in character. Unless you are simply a shit head, and I do hope this is the case, you have an issue with CSJ responding to a comment on his own article. Boo fucking hoo, Mister College. Last I checked, writers have the ability to write as they see fit. Being the apparent expert in Blogosphere etiquette, maybe you would be so kind as to step back and examine all the ways you are being an ass-hat.
You have essentially accused the Semantic staff of being social agitators. You presume to question their integrity and their own understanding of it. You would tell a staff of two dozen writers to, "...stay out of the blogosphere," and this sets my blood to boil. You are out of line, you are oblivious, and the only explanation for your comments' continued existence on this page is for their pure comedic value. They're laughing at you Mister College! So until you have something constructive to contribute, I would suggest that you be a pious prig elsewhere.
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